probably not my last fitzgerald quote

So it's been awhile and you'd think that's because I was doing something valuable with my time--you'd be wrong.  It's more that not much of the past week of my life has been worth recording or remembering.  Though, as I've spent the last week raising a baby kitten in an empty household, I've had a lot of time to think about and question my impending future, which is less than sixty days away.  

What do you do when you realize that you don't exactly want to do what you've been working towards for years?  When the finish line is in sight but all you want to do is turn and run far in the other direction?  One option is to stick it out--it could just be nerves, or just the disappointment of reaching the end.  Maybe actually accomplishing a goal will bring all of the excitement and desire back.  Maybe it really is just Amory Blaine syndrome: "it was always the becoming he dreamed of, never the being."  I'm pretty sure one of the most crazy (and therefore common) fears is the fear of achievement, because most people have this tiny feeling that what they've been hoping for won't actually make them as happy as they had planned.  Disappointment in an accomplishment: I'm sure everyone's been there, and it's that nagging memory that makes that finish line about as appealing as cut-off jorts on a townie.  

For me, I'm pretty sure it's a fear of stability.  I used to be amazed at friends that planned on graduating college without a definite plan for the future--I couldn't imagine leaving my tiny, cozy campus without an exact idea of what the next few years of my life would look like.  And true to form, I didn't; I know exactly where I'm going to grad school (it's my dream school, actually) and I know that the program I'm going for will prepare me for a career that I can have, if I want, for the rest of my spry, working years.  Yet, as I look for part-time work I'm finding out that my future didn't have to be set in stone in February; there are so many other things I could have done if that fear of doing nothing hadn't held me back.  I realize that everything I'm writing is incredibly trite and cliché and looks like it could have been scripted into an ABC Family original drama (I'm not knocking the channel--I love the new Secret Life of the American Teenager), but I swear, these ideas never occurred to me until yesterday. 

Who knows?  Maybe this is just cold feet, or boredom, or both.  I love my new apartment and new campus and new city; maybe I'll fall in love just as easily with my new career.   

See ya 'round----Ang.

worth the $.99 on itunes: "sour cherry" by the kills.  a fantastic beat that's obnoxiously fun to sing at red lights with your windows down.